The Dali Dream

"Congratulations", he said as he handed me my baby. "I named him Thomas, Tom. I hope you don't mind." "Thomas", I thought. "Why would I ever name a baby named Thomas?" But I guess I had my reasons, whatever. I had my baby, my first ever baby, and what a cute baby he made. White looking baby, which I thought was interesting. But none the less, this was my baby.

And somehow they showed up. Fuck! I can't let them see this baby. What the hell will they think?! They didn't even know I was pregnant. I had managed to keep that from them, what am I going to do now. And with a white baby named Thomas of all things. And there that thought goes, flitting through my mind. Disturbingly easily, I have these thoughts. Regardless, here they are, out he goes. Quickly I put Thomas on my bed, under my blankets, and softly cover his sweet round face.

One hour goes by, three hours go by, finally I can escape. What should I do with my free time now..? Thomas! Damn it, I forgot all about him. Oh Thomas, I got to get to him as fast as possible. I pull off the covers, and there he is, funny looking. Somehow, morphed into a copy of the AMA journal. One of the thousands that I throw away each week, without even opening. I think that it's odd, my baby has turned into an AMA journal. But it doesn't matter right now, right now he's not breathing. And so ALS it is. Using my first two fingers, I press on his little chest.

And I cry knowing that he's suffocated because I put him there, under my blanket, and out of sight. Because my life has become compartmentalized. And the only one to blame is me.

The Power of Om

If you have ever experience the amazing sensations that you can get in a room full of people chanting Om, you know exactly what I mean. I am not talking some crazy cultish things here.. it's just that Om (which has significance in hinduism) is a very powerful sound. It's a vibration that you can feel in your chest, your heart, and the very soul of your being. With a room full of people with the same intentions, that feeling is even more powerful. Everytime I hear it, I feel so refreshed and in touch with spirituality. In Hinduism, Om is the essence of being. The truth, the One, the Everything. And to feel it in your heart is amazing!

The Worst Wonderful Time of the Year

Hi Everyone.. I am back after another hiatus of not posting anything on my blog. I doubt anyone will even read this! But that's ok.

What is the worst wonderful time of the year? The winter holiday.. I hate it. I absolutely hate this time of the year. Besides the annoying traffic, crowds at the malls, sales everywhere.. that you know aren't really sales, just really jacked up prices on things that are then slightly discounted.. no besides all of that.. it's the stress and expectations of everybody else around you in your life. Sometimes, all I want is to be, just simply be. Not to have to study for school, or to have to rush to my parents' where there is nothing to do except fulfill their dreams of preserving the me that used to live at home.. or even with my boyfriend where I play the role of girlfriend. No, all I want is to be. No expectations no stress.. just me, my life, my desires. The holidays are horrible for this. I have to go there, and see them, and do this and do that. Why? Because that's what you do.. crap. But I guess then the question is why do I have to go? Why don't I just say no, I am not coming. Thank you for the invitation, but I would rather be by myself. Then there's the hurt and pain you know you are conflicting upon that other person. Because then you are putting them in a position to have to explain to other people why exactly I haven't come to visit them. Then they will also feel shame that their family has problems. And then I have to turn around and know that I am conflicting that pain and shame upon them, and so my angst is compounded with that guilt.. and it all comes to the fact that life sucks. And that is why I hate the end of Thanksgiving until after Christmas.. and I don't even celebrate Christmas! The irony of it all..

Stupid Grey's Anatomy

I am on my 4th beer tonight.. but I am not too drunk nor too depressed to see that Grey's Anatomy is ANOTHER recap episode... there have barely been enough episodes for an entire season.. but it seems like all I see are recap episodes!!! I am sick of them... fuckers!

Indian / Immigrant Literature

I love to read. I have always loved to read. When I was younger, my mom used to tell me that I would need glasses because I would read in the car, in fact I would read till the point where the sun would be setting and i would be trying to cram in the last few sentences as quick as possible. Last fall, my uncle even told my younger cousin that I used to bring books to family parties with me to read during them! I know, I am a loser.. but did he really have to bring it up to my ten year old cousin??!!!

Anyway, out of everything I have read, I truly enjoy Indian literature. Jhumpa Lahiri is truly one of the most fantastic authors I have read. The Namesake was an amazing book. Every work rang true with me. Every single word. I love books, but I have never felt this way when reading Indian literature.

Currently reading: Maximum City: Bombay Lost and Found by Suketu Mehta

One Chapter of my Life Done!

I am done with Anatomy! Officially over with and done... bam! No more smelly body, smelly clothes.. and smelly me! Although a lot of cool things happened in the lab. A journalist interviewed us, I learned that fat really is yellow.. and everywhere in the body.. even in the eye ball. I finally got a grasp of what a neuron really did look like.. (I was pretty confused about it before!) I did a rectal and pelvic "exam".. realized that the lungs are annoying and don't look like much other than blobs. realized my true calling as a extremities specialist. :) Learned that there is beauty in patience.. and believe me, I was tested many times!! But I never did resort to throwing that blob of fat! And ultimately realized that Frank Netter is the biggest contradiction EVER! He's smoking a cigar in his picture in the beginning of his atlas!!! What kind of doctor was he?? .. .. but all this rambling will be for nothing if I fail my final!

Drunk Paper

Well. I finally finished that awful ridiculous paper drunk off of plum wine. I guess it's better than having to write the paper while being sober.. because that would be painful! Stupid ass paper.. but it's done. I had to write about what I would want to have happen to me if I were to be sick or unable to speak for myself.. ala Terri Shiavo. And the paper sucks.. why? Is it because I don't think about death or care.. no.. but it sucks because the teachers suck. But that's ok because I wrote this paper drunk.. and now I am happy to be done. I didn't proof read it.. oh well! Tell someone who cares.. but it aint me!! And now tomorrow I will go to Starbucks and get a cupcake, maybe!

Birthdays and Old Friends

There's something to be said about old friends, actually wonderful friends, and a nice bottle of sake. Throw in an amazing bottle of plum wine (japanese style). aw man, throw in an all-you-can-eat sushi buffet. and you have one stuffed person! No, beyond that.. you have one person that is so happy that she has kept in touch with her friend from junior high school! It's interesting, because I think I am an awful roommate to have.. but I sure love my friend.. and this isn't the plum wine that's talking.. in fact, I had more fun tonight, a billion weeks after my 23rd birthday! But I still had a better time tonight than I had had at the bar, dancing to crappy music with a random collection or people on my real birthday..

Can't wait for Las Vegas!

New Skill to Add to the Resume!

Yesterday I went to the clinic to translate spanish and while I was there I got to observe a very exciting new "procedure" that doctors perform. This lady complained of blockage in her ears and a little difficulty hearing. We looked into her ears and saw that they were just about blocked with ear wax. So we put hydrogen peroxide into her ears to let it start to dissolve the ear wax. About 1 hour later, we blasted water into her ears to force out the ear wax with the water pressure. At first, no success. But then slowly litttle chunks were emerging, and finally this humungous block of ear wax just fell out.. it was brownish and lumpy, and quite large.. The doctor who was there did say that, as gross as it looks.. at least it protects the ear from bugs getting inside.. he even mentioned that in the ER he's seen people who had cockroaches crawl up into their ears.. and they have to kill the cockroach in the ear first before they pull it out.. interesting.